Monday, Monday…

So here we are on Monday the 31st of August, tonight at 12 the debit orders will try to go through a bank account that’s already in the negative, how many of you can relate to the feeling of anxiety when you know the bills need to be paid and there’s just no money to pay them…

Sad reality in SA πŸ‡ΏπŸ‡¦

Explaining the economic situation to people elsewhere in the world is just an impossible situation, and from experience I found that only expats from SA can relate to us not finding employment, when you reach the age of 35 in SA you are already seen as old, an therefor your job application will be put on a back burner. Not having any tertiary education makes it even more challenging, and getting a study loan to further your studies when you have already been unemployed for more than three years, totally out of the question…

So what should one do?

I don’t have the answers to finding employment, and not having a job is what is keeping me/us in this hopeless situation.

I am not picky either I will appreciate any job to generate an income, I will clean offices, scrub floors, be a waitress or work as a cashier if only I can find employment, because not having employment mean not being able to pay the bills…

Surviving in SA πŸ˜”
I’ll rather have a stressful job than be unemployed…

So here I am starting this week the same way I started the past week, looking for and applying for every job I can possibly find, wish me luck, we have to get out of here πŸ˜”

Burnedbee 🐝

Down and out…

It’s so difficult to look for help to escape an unhappy toxic relationship/marriage while having to continue with everyday life on a daily basis and to pretend you are happy to avoid even more emotional and verbal abuse from your spouse, anyone that knows how depression sucks will know that some days are just far more challenging than others.

The past couple of days have been those dark I don’t even feel like breathing anymore days…

I am trying so hard to fight for what we deserve, but today I can not even find that silver lining that every dark cloud is supposed to have, and being unemployed and having a negative amount of money in the bank is not helping either…

Life goes on, and everyday there’s new needs from the kids, financial needs and even less financial prospects on the horizon…

I constantly find myself hoping that if I log into paypal there might be a few dollars sent by a benefactor who would like to help me take care of our immediate needs, but help seems nowhere to be found…

Then I find myself questioning my faith, why is God punishing me? Have I not been punished enough? I’ve had to fight for survival since I was 12 years old, and I feel like I can’t anymore, but then I look at how broken and clearly unhappy my kids are and the first thought that comes to mind is, you are not fighting for yourself anymore, you are fighting for them, you are fighting because they deserve better…

But how long will I still fight and search for a way out? Who knows, I believe no one knows the answer to that question…

I have sent my son to school today without lunch or lunch money, I am hoping that his teacher will see that he get’s something to eat. I am sitting here sobbing my eyes out, should I rather have kept him home today?But how can I? He’s always so excited to go to school…

If there is anyone out there who is in a position to help us with a few dollars please do via paypal? burnedbee40@gmail.com

That’s all I have energy to ask for today…

I am hoping and praying that tomorrow will be a better day, that I will be able to see that silver lining once again, because today is just a humiliating pitch black day…

Burnedbee 🐝

Woman’s Month…

So it’s woman’s month in South Africa, oh the irony…

There’s actually a month dedicated to woman in South Africa, how lovely…

I have spent the past weekend on facebook (the only social media I am allowed by my husband to have, and then it’s not private either because he has the login details and password). Well I spent it in mainly two groups, Stand up Survivor an international group and SA Women Fight Back, and I must say, it’s extremely difficult for me to read through these posts without being able to comment on them, while I’m screaming on the inside to take part and say, I get you sister because that is what I am going through at the moment…

I have to be super careful not to anger my husband or to make him aware of the fact that I want to leave, let me rephrase that I have to and want to leave, looking at my kids and seeing how broken they are because of the life we’ve had to live with their alchoholic abusive father thus far, just makes me so angry and so heartbroken not to mention the guilt I feel for even bringing children into this world with this man, whom I thought was the love of my life.

#Don’tjudge…

I have managed to watch a video on SA Women Fight Back’s website, and the words of one of the Administrators of a women’s shelter in Cape Town South Africa hit home, she said that their local government sponsors 40% of the costs involved to help an abuse survivor in a shelter for three months, because according to government it takes 3 months for a survivor to heal and move back into soceity which according to her is not true, three months to survive years of gender based violence and domestic abuse?

She says most victims stay with them for at least six months to a year some even longer. They receive therapy and councelling. When they are healed, they are taught skills to enable them to function and work again, because and here’s the part that hit home “an abused victim can’t function properly or learn anything before they’ve healed”…this could not be more true. I have tried numerous times to learn more skills in order for me to find employment with a decent salary so that I can get out with my kids, be able to support them, care for them and provide for them most importantly, but my mind is just so full of fog, I can’t focus long enough on anything and because I’m always anxious and stressed I can’t seem to take information in and remember it…

And like I’ve said in my first post, it might sound like I won’t be leaving this circumstances, I so desperately want us to leave, but I will if I get the help we need, which is not to flee into a woman’s shelter, every victim or victim’s circumstances and needs are different, all of us have the same dream and goal in mind which is to escape this abuse and to live free from abuse but our need is to take our animal’s with.

We are humans who sees our animals as an important part of our family, and if we have to leave them behind it would cause even more trauma, so a shelter will not work for us, we need our own bathroom and bedrooms, we like privacy and can’t function within a group of people, all because we have been isolated from people for so long and because my 14 year old daughter suffers from social anxiety in the worst degree…that’s our needs described in short.

I am however dreaming of being able to say this soon… ⬇️

Soon…

So what was also interesting and inspiring, was this local newspaper article I came across, highlighting the fact that some of my most favourite Celebs (Jennifer Aniston, Reese Witherspoon, Jennifer Lopez, Eva Longoria and Michelle Pfeiffer) posted black and white pictures of themselves on Instagram with the #WomanSupportingWoman, to show that they are supporting abused women. This article gave me hope and made me think that I might not be so crazy after all to think that maybe just maybe, the help we so desperately need is out there…

A big wish or dream would be if some of these Celebs could support me and enable me to leave this toxic marriage and enviroment with my kids… #WomenSupportingWomen…

#WomanSupportingWoman
#WomanSupportingWoman
#WomanSupportingWoman

Well people or should I say to my only follower thus far, I hope you have a great rest of the week and may all of your dreams come true. So take care, and as Ellen de Generes would say, “Be kind to one another”

Burnedbee 🐝

Yay it’s Friday…

To most normal people this would be true, they would be happy that it’s friday, but for us it is the most horrible day of the week…Why you might ask?

Because to my kids and I Friday means the start of the weekend which means alcohol abuse and emotional and verbal abuse all weekend long…

We like Mondays because that means every thing returns to normal, well our normal which means less abuse during the week, did you hear me? Less abuse, as if that is normal at all…

We dream of NO abuse, freedom to be ourselfes, freedom to speak our minds, freedom to express our feelings and hopes and dreams for the future without having to walk on egg shells all the time, without having to re-think every single word before we speak it…

I feel like a criminal, because I have to secretly speak to anyone who wish to listen during the week days between 9am and 4pm, I am not allowed to freely speak to anyone I want to speak to or even when I want to…as soon as he gets home I shut off my phone’s data, because it angers him if I even touch my phone when he’s home…why? Because that’s all part of his isolation tactics, because he must be so scared that I’ll meet the right people who mights save us from his abusive behaviour towards us…

Will we escape? Who knows what our future holds? I hope and pray that we will get out before the Christmas season, I won’t survive another holiday season still stuck here, we’ve had our share just three months apart, we had the holiday season and then came the Covid-lockdown.

Most people who read this might think that I must be some kind of stupid for staying in this circumstances, well let me explain.

If you are not from South Africa you will not understand South Africa, we had a 30% unemployment rate in January 2020 and after covid hit and we went into total lockdown businesses closed down and the unemployment rate shot up to over 50% over here in South Africa everything is corrupt most of all the government and the leadership. Our president announced that unemployed people may apply for a social relief distress grant, out of 5 million applications only 1.4 million people actually received it, a grant of R350 which is +/- $21,87, with that $21,87 you can buy bread and milk for a family of 4 for 8 days. To buy groceries for a family of four for a month will cost +/- $250 per month. Our government thinks only $21,87 is needed to provide food for a family of 4 people for a month. What a joke to live in South Africa and to be a South African.

What a joke…

Nothing in South Africa works as it should, there are no social service systems in place to help moms/dads like me, The list for government housing is +/- 8 years long, and if you do get housing it’s situated in a crime ridden township where woman and children aren’t safe anyway…

I rest my case…

You might google and search for charities and find many, but believe me even those charities are corrupt and used for self enrichment, or they only help certain people.

It really is a losing battle trying to find help over here in South Africa if you can’t find help from elsewhere you simply just won’t be helped…

So the only way to escape is by trying to raise funds and in that way being able to buy or rent a property privately without involving any charity or corrupt company over here in SA πŸ‡ΏπŸ‡¦

If anyone has any ideas for fundraising please let me know, the only problem is we can’t reveal our identities or share photographs of myself or my kids because if he sees that who knows what might happen to us.

That is what makes it even more difficult to start a fundraising campaign.

I have to try…

I hope that whoever reads this will have a great weekend at least, I’ll be posting again on Tuesday I hope because Monday is a public holiday in SA πŸ‡ΏπŸ‡¦, Womans Day how ironic.

Feel free to leave a comment in the meantime πŸ™‚

Burnedbee 🐝

Outcry for help…

They say that a person should ask for help when needing help, but how? How can a person get the right help needed?

Everyone needs something else from life, and everyone’s situation is different.

So where does one start?

I’m lost…

I feel like a loser. I have let my children down, I have been lying to them for the past three years. I have been telling them we’ll get out of this place and circumstances that causes our unhappiness and mental health problems soon. It’s been three years and we’re still here.

Living in South Africa life is hard, and finding a job with a decent salary is not easy, and when you are stuck in an unhealthy marriage and poverty it seems impossible…

Now these thoughts takes me back to my childhood, a happy one! Until my parents got divorced when I was 12…

It was then when my life derailed.

Both my parents re-married and I instantly found myself stuck with step parents from hell. My happiness and well being was instantly shoved down a drain, suddenly I was no longer a priority. I just became a pawn moved from one household to another having to attend a new school every few months, a rolling stone who gathered no moss, and all I wanted to do was to grow up and start my own life…

Little did I know that my life would turn out like nothing I ever dreamed about.

I’ve had a few nightmares in my life, but none of them came close to the life I am living today.

I will be 40 years old soon and what have I accomplished thus far? The answer is simple, nothing!

I managed to get married to an alcholic narccissist and had three children with him in the process, had two well paying jobs of 6/8 years each, but lost both of them due to retrenchment and I have now been unemployed for almost three years.

And I find myself and my kids stuck in poverty with no way to escape…

Firstly I have no family to turn to, the family I have are still not concerned about our happiness and well being, and the only thing I do have are a few online friends, because I have been isolated for years from real friends.

My children and I suffer from, depression, anxiety, social anxiety and other health issues because they too have grown up isolated.

I have been day dreaming about how my kids and I live freely in a normal house with running water a garden and a lawn for them to play on. With a garage and a reliable car to take them to their weekly therapy sessions.

A place where we can live and heal from the bad choices I have made, because I didn’t know any better.

I dream of raising good, healthy, happy children who grow up and, and are able to live their dreams.

But until I figure out how to escape without causing more trauma and harm, that is all just a day dream. We are not shelter or safehouse material, that is and was never an option, we are just too unwell to function properly in such an enviroment. All we need is peace and quiet and privacy to deal with all the trauma we have been through.

If there is anyone out there who have a winning fundraising recipe, on how I can manage to raise $60 000 in a record time, you might just be the person who makes our dream come true.

Raising $60 000 would mean that we can move out into a safe rental home, and it will enable me to buy a reliable vehicle to take the kids to school and all therapy appointments, it would enable me to be taken care of financially for a year or longer, and it will pay for me to improve my skills so that I can find good employment to take care of us or to start a business to take care of us.

There are billions of people in this world and millions of them are influencial, there’s philanthropists, there are celebrities and musicians with kind hearts that are willing to change ordinary people like our life’s, all we need is for one or two of them to cross our path, so if you personally know any of them, please show them my outcry for help, please ask them to not only save us from a very unhealthy life, but ask them if they want to adopt us as family, ask them if they would want to be a part of our life’s we’d love that.

Just imagine, celebrity, philanthropist or musician saves poor mum and kids from poverty and emotional abuse in South Africa.

Let’s not forget about ordinary people with kind hearts who also have the want and need to make a difference in the world, there’s millions of you out there too…

Why? Would people want to help us?

Not because my children are terminally ill, but because they also need and deserve to live a happy, healthy life to the fullest, and because they need and deserve a healthy happy mother!

If you want to contribute with a donation for our everyday needs or to our dream of escaping abuse and poverty, please do via paypal, burnedbee40@gmail.com

Burnedbee 🐝

This is me… Burned Bee πŸ

What brought me here?

Well about 3 years ago, it suddenly hit me, I have been in an abusive toxic marriage, that I have been trying to escape from ever since…

Reality hit me very hard, like a fist right in the face, I have survived, childhood molestation, rape at the age of 14, emotional and verbal abuse from my parents and step parents, and I went ahead and married an alcoholic narcissist, and had three children with him…

Why? For years I have been overlooking my spouse’s abusive behaviour and it wasn’t until our first uncontrollable rebelious teenage daughter fell pregnant at the age of 16, with an equally abusive 21 year old boyfriend, that is when I suddenly realized my kids and I are in trouble…they have been brought up in this toxic abusive behaviour where there is no respect for them or for me and they think it’s normal to be verbally and emotionally abused…

  • Guilt for not leaving sooner is killing me.
  • All of my kids have mental health problems.
  • My 8 year old son has encopressis and is wearing nappies still.
  • My 14 year old daughter is morbidly obese and suffers from extreme social anxiety.
  • I am obese as well, because food has become my comfort.
  • All of this could have been avoided if I left sooner.

Months after the reality punched me in the face, I lost my well paying job, and my world came crashing down, because I instantly knew that there’s no way out for us now…

  • I decided to start this blog to look for help.
  • We desperetely and urgently have to get out.
  • There’s billions of people in the world and millions who’s gone through what we have been through.
  • I hope and pray that the right people will come accross my blog and decide to reach out and help us escape this abuse.

The reason I’m saying escape, is because we have been isolated for years.

Our moves are mostly dictated by our abuser, we are not physically abused so we are not in immediate danger, but the longer we are stuck here the longer it will take for us to heal from the trauma and emotional scars.

Our biggest obstacle is of course finances and unemployment. Over here in South Africa the social grant you can get for your children is not even enough to provide food for a child for a month, so the social grant is not nearly enough to pay for safe housing, there is housing assistance, with a 8 year waiting list, and then when you do get housing it’s located in a drug & gangster ridden township that is unsafe to raise children in anyway, so the only way out for us is by trying to raise funds privately.

I have a paypal account, tried to start a gofundme fundraiser but that’s not possible.

South Africa is not supported by Gofundme…

So how can you help?

You can help by donating via paypal, or if you want to start a gofundme campaign on our behalf that would be great too. 🐝

Please get in touch if you feel the need to? Donations can be made through paypal by using my email address below.

burnedbee40@gmail.com

Thanks for reading my blog, please re-blog for us to get more exposure πŸ˜‰

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